It’s been one month since my Mimi passed away, and two months since my Aunt Jani passed. Yesterday I woke up and realized that these are the first deaths that I have experienced sober. As of today it has been 3,127 days since I have had a drop of alcohol, and though I truly feel like I won’t ever taste it again, I immediately scheduled an appointment with a therapist to help me wrap my head around this grief and the realization that the grief overload could lead me to drink. All of this led me into a deep dive of the profoundness of time. Some days it feels like it all happened yesterday and others it feels like it happened lifetimes ago. It can feel like we have more than enough time, and in the blink of an eye, it can feel like we’re wasting every second. Sobriety’s motto is “One Day at a Time” but how does that make sense when one day can feel so exhilarating and another feels so excruciating? I reframed that motto to “One Breath at a Time” the day I decided to get sober, and I haven’t looked back. Just like time, every breath is precious. Every second, every breath we take could be our last.
My Mimi loved my voice. Every time I saw her she asked if I was singing. Many times I had to tell her the truth which was no. “No Mimi, I’m not singing.” Singing for me is kind of like time; sometimes it feels exhilarating and other times excruciating. And yet, just like time, it’s a precious gift.
It became undeniably clear the day that my Mimi passed that I would be singing at her service. I sobbed every time I tried to practice, but then….
I asked the Lord to help me at least get one note out. I asked others to pray for me that I would at least get one note out. And on the day of, by the grace of God and me keeping my eyes shut the entire time, I made it through every note and word of Amazing Grace and It is Well with My Soul. When all was said and done, that super hard feat that I had to face became a force for my healing.
When I was in the thick of writing obituaries, helping plan services, organizing hundreds of photos, and practicing songs, my head was busy. Now that it’s quiet again, I can fall apart in a split second. Some days are great; I’m on top of everything, thinking ahead, and getting it all done. Other days I wake up exhausted and literally feel like I can’t lift my head or even exist with anyone other than my dog. Yesterday was the latter when I woke up realizing that I was overwhelmed with grief, anger, sadness, and fear, and it felt impossible to function in the world.
Though it took a while to arrive there, I eventually offered myself some self care, and a shift happened.
I felt my Grandmothers with me. All three of them were with me, and yes, I am lucky enough to have three Grandmothers. While I grieved them, they celebrated me! I asked them for help. I asked them to help God help me, and I asked them to bring Jani with them.
Thanks to that moment with my Grandmothers, I created one of my favorite playlists thus far for my Groovy Soul Sessions. Then an authentic breathwork technique flowed through me, and a signature Groovy Soul Session began to be born. Earlier that day I couldn’t even decide which pajamas to change into, but after self care, and with God, my Grandmothers, and Jani, a great shift began. I began to write this, and I decided to sing.
Choosing self care sent me into a magical world of unconditional love, shifting me from anger to an acceptance for what is. It’s a shift that hopefully will lead to forgiveness….to myself and others. A shift that knows that I am the lucky one who gets to feel my Grandmothers for the rest of my days. A shift that honors that no matter how anyone else feels about me, I know, It is Well with My Soul.
How did I endure so much in such a short period of time? How did I hold tremendous space burying my Mimi on a Thursday and then turn around and hold tremendous space during a memorial for my precious, beloved Aunt two days later? I had been given a gift, and that was the gift that I HAD to sing at a time when I really didn’t want to, and those songs just happen to be some of the most beautiful mantras in the Universe: Amazing Grace How Sweet the Sound, It is Well with My Soul. It’s a constant vibration running through my body now. Sometimes it’s hard to hold onto, but it is ALWAYS there. And it always will be….for all of us.
I am so grateful I moved home to heal and got to experience precious moments with these beautiful women. I am so grateful that I continue to feel our connections in my soul. That’s the greatest inheritance. I am the lucky one. Amazing Grace to all. It is Well. All is well.
