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  • Writer's pictureLoni

Amazing Grace

So uh, my angels fact checked me….

In the wake of feeling that Jani and Mimi were my first deaths in sobriety, I forgot my sweet Coda Bear, My Baby Mine, My Angel eyes. I feel like he hangs with the guys in Heaven impressing all of them with 6 feet jump kisses. 

A memory of his happy face crossed my mind, and I remembered everything. The happiest, wormiest, chicken tenders loving puppy who found his way to a Halloween party in the middle of nowhere and fell in love with a bubblegum machine. The beautiful, the tragic, the magic, the light that were Loni and Coda. Chance followed in Coda’s footsteps instantly. Well, he tried to mark our french doors first, but Coda let him know quickly where to go, what to do, and how to do it. I almost changed Chance’s name to Shadow because he truly was Coda’s.

Coda would play with but never kill even the most fragile of friends, moths. I saw him play with a turtle, a mole, baby rats, a rabbit, and multiple insects. He loved Everybody! He had a great stank face. His kisses were the most dangerous thing about him; they were fierce and intense. He would kiss your tears away. He was an actor and a model. Coda bear was PURE LOVE! He taught me pure love. 

He loved me endlessly. He loved me at THE hardest time to love me in the history of ever. He wouldn’t leave my side when I had a hangover or a 10 day flu. We could talk to each other with our eyes. He was magical.

I think this realization that yes, I have indeed experienced the most significant death ever sober, brings me undeniable relief. It’s truly Amazing Grace. If on most days, I’m not breaking down about Coda still, this will get better. I am allowed to trust myself and just grieve. Feel it all. Connect all the Rainbow Bridges. And love myself through it. 

Peace, Love, and Coda Bear.

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